As most (3 out of the 5 of you that read this blog) of you know, I'm teaching a class at one of the universities here in Portland, so I'm on the faculty distribution list for emails. Yesterday, I received an email from the business school with the following header:
New Composting Bin in Faculty Lounge!
Now, I know what you're thinking - only ONE exclamation point? That's right. In Portland, this sort of game-changing news only merits the single exclamation point. It's a difficult adjustment for me to make, because, being from the South, I tend to get WAY over-excited about the prospect of a new composting bin. Like, at least 4 or 5 exclamation points excited, so I have to back it way down to a one exclamation point level, with maybe a touch more excitement, which I excuse by noting that the header is in Title Case rather than Sentence case.
So, the email has been a wild ride already, and I haven't even opened it yet. Then, I open it, and the first sentence kills the whole experience for me. After the greeting, it begins "I have some exciting news regarding our waste diversion efforts this quarter."
And here's the problem. You know when you go to the theater and they show you a preview of a movie and there's just way too much in the preview and then you feel like it spoiled the movie for you because you know how it's going to end?
Yeah, email writer, I KNOW what the (reasonably, Scott, reasonably) exciting news regarding our waste diversion efforts this quarter is. You've already told me. Sure, the email contains important details (it's got a foot pedal and a lid, YAWN), but there's no anticipation. No buildup. I already know about New Composting Bin in Faculty Lounge!
But wait.
At the end of the email, there's hope.
"If things go well with this new bin, we will look at getting 2 more for the other kitchen areas in the building."
A possible sequel. Well played, email writer, well played.
It's like at the end of Flash Gordon after (SPOILER ALERT) Ming gets run through by the sharp point at the front of a space ship and then he's dead and his ring is laying on the floor and then it says THE END on the screen and then a hand that looks like Ming's picks the ring up and you hear Ming's laugh and a question mark appears so it's all "THE END?" But it was actually THE END because there was no sequel to the Flash Gordon movie even though it was so very awesome. But I never understood why they made these long sharp tips on the front of the spaceships. Like they were DESIGNED to run people through, bayonet-style. I mean, that seems like a very inefficient way for a spaceship equipped with lasers to kill people.
Left unsaid is what happens if things DO NOT go well with this new bin. Like, if they go awry. Horrifically awry.
